iPod Troubles
by Xhibit B
Summary: AU. Verseless. In which Sir Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing gets a hold of Seras' iPod and hilarity ensues. Rating for some choice words.


**this is pure crack and not intended to be serious whatsoever. i also do not own the songs mentioned briefly in this fic. those rights to go the wonderful kesh$a and lady gaga respectively. enjoy.**

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**iPod Troubles**

**By: Xhibit B**

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.i do not own hellsing.

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"Good morning ma'am," Walter said as Integra walked into the dining hall of the Hellsing mansion, "I hope you had a good night's rest."

"Indeed Walter," Integra said sitting at the head of the table.

Picking up her napkin, she laid it across her lap and watched as Walter placed her breakfast in front of her. As she ate the oatmeal and sipped her tea, something shinny sitting in the window seal caught her eye. Glancing over, she saw something that looked like a cellphone.

"Walter," Integra called out to her butler.

"Yes ma'am?" Walter glanced up at Integra from the cart he was tending to.

"What is that?" Integra asked pointing to the object in the window.

"I do not know Sir Integra," Walter said following her gaze to said unknown.

"Well then bring it here," Integra hissed through constricted teeth.

Walter nodded then walked over and picked up the object. Looking at it curiously, he turned on his heel and walked over to Integra. Placing it in her hands, he backed away to let her examine it. Integra flipped the metal object around in her hands after placing the headphones in her ears. When she pressed the middle button, the screen turned on shocking her.

"What is this thing?" Integra voiced to herself still staring at the object.

She ran her fingers over the screen accidentally tapping the music key. The song title that showed shocked her.

"Disco Stick by Lady Gaga?" Integra said staring at the title of the song displayed over the top of the screen. "What the hell is a disco stick and a Lady Gaga?"

She glanced at Walter who shrugged then returned her attention to the device in front of her. Pressing the play button, the music began to blast in her ears. Yanking one of the ear buds out, Integra listened in horror.

**Let's have some fun this beat is sick, I wanna take a ride on your disco stick.**

Integra's eye began to twitch, spaz like. Continuing to listen to the song, she sat with her mouth agape blinking to make sure that she was really awake.

"What. The. Hell?" Integra said when she paused the song.

"What was that you were listening to ma'am?" Walter asked cocking his head to the side.

"I have no idea but whatever the hell a Lady Gaga and a disco stick is," Integra said reaching for her cigars, "I don't want to ever find out the exact definition."

Looking down at it again, she pressed the play button then skipped to the next song. This one was no better.

**Coming out your mouth with your blah blah blah. Just zip your lips like a padlock and meet me at the back with the jack and the jukebox. I don't really care where you live at just turn around boy and let me hit that. Don't be a little bitch with your chit chat, just show me where your dick's at.**

Sir Integra threw the headphones out of her ears and stared at the horrid thing on the table.

"What the bloody hell!" Integra screamed trying to remove the lyrics that continued to play through her head.

Just then, Seras walked into the room.

"Have either of you seen my i...Pod." she stared in shock as Integra continued to tear at her hair screaming something that she couldn't comprehend. "Sir Integra, what are you doing with my iPod?"

"That's what this _thing_ is?" She said pointing at it.

"Yes," Seras said, "how did you get it?"

"It was there on the window seal Seras," Integra said matter of factly. "Maybe you should put that thing up! I think I just scarred my ears listening to some of that music on there. What the hell is a Lady Gaga and a KE$HA?"

"They're singers, Sir Integra." Seras said scratching her head and picking up the iPod.

"Don't ever let me see that thing again!" Integra screeched shooing her out of the room.

Seras left tucking the iPod in her pocket.

"That was an experience I never want to go through again!" Integra said slamming her head on the table causing the bowl of unfinished oatmeal to fall on her head. "Perfect, just completely perfect."


End file.
